(http://images.cheezburger.com/completestore/2010/3/31/129145758293766924.jpg)
:biggrin:
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? ::D:
TOP TEN REASONS TO GO TO WORK NAKED...
1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
5. You want to see if it's like the dream.
6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
10. No one steals your chair.
::D:
(http://images.picturesdepot.com/photo/l/leap_year_holiday-210937.gif)
8 things you'll never hear a woman say...
8. What do you mean today's our anniversary?
7. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
6. Ohh, this diamond is way to big!
5. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being 'just friends'
4. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
3. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
2. I don't care if it's on sale, 300 dollars is way to much for a designer dress.
1. Hey, pull my finger!
::D:
(http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-8QHIJaS2y0g/TziYj9TlfnI/AAAAAAAABIE/uT1iAaXg9ho/s1600/funny+dog+pray+unique.jpg)
::D:
How do you turn a duck into a soul artist?
Put it in the oven until its (it's) Bill Withers.
::D:
A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please."
The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says "All our accordions are over there."
After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner."
The store owner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?"
The drummer, crestfallen, says, "How did you know?"
The store owner says, "That `big red accordion' is the radiator."
::D:
TOP TEN BAD THINGS ABOUT HAVING A SUMMER TIME SHARE WITH DARTH VADER...
10. Claims those long-distance calls to the Death Star aren't his.
9. Uses Jedi powers to shake up your root beer right before you open it.
8. He's always accusing you of hiding his asthma inhaler.
7. Claims he paid you the rent "a long, long time ago."
6. Dances around in nothing but cape and cowboy hat while doing "Darth Brooks" routine.
5. For once he could use Force to lift his wet towel off the couch.
4. That scary music that plays when he enters a room gets old real fast.
3. You feel like an idiot saying, "No, Darth isn't here. He's on the ice planet Hoth."
2. Not easy cleaning burnt Ewok fur off the barbecue grill.
1. Constantly doing his lame James Earl Jones impression.
::D:
Get Your Own Kenyan Birth Certificate Now! (http://kenyanbirthcertificategenerator.com/b8dc8a25c242bc77be10807be5b101cf)
Beyond the Bass Clef: The Life and Art of Bass Playing (attributed to Tony Levin)
In the beginning there was a bass. It was a Fender, probably a Precision, but it could have been a Jazz - nobody knows. Anyway, it was very old... definitely pre-C.B.S.
And God looked down upon it and saw that it was good. He saw that it was very good in fact, and couldn't be improved on at all (though men would later try.) And so He let it be and He created a man to play the bass.
And lo the man looked upon the bass, which was a beautiful 'sunburst' red, and he loved it. He played upon the open E string and the note rang through the earth and reverberated throughout the firmaments (thus reverb came to be.) And it was good. And God heard that it was good and He smiled at his handiwork.
Then in the course of time, the man came to slap upon the bass. And lo it was funky.
And God heard this funkiness and He said, "Go man, go." And it was good.
And more time passed, and, having little else to do, the man came to practice upon the bass. And lo, the man came to have upon him a great set of chops. And he did play faster and faster until the notes rippled like a breeze through the heavens.
And God heard this sound which sounded something like the wind, which He had created earlier. It also sounded something like the movement of furniture, which He hadn't even created yet, and He was not so pleased. And He spoke to the man, saying "Don't do that!"
Now the man heard the voice of God, but he was so excited about his new ability that he slapped upon the bass a blizzard of funky notes. And the heavens shook with the sound, and the Angels ran about in confusion. (Some of the Angels started to dance, but that's another story.)
And God heard this - how could He miss it - and lo He became Bugged. And He spoke to the man, and He said, "Listen man, if I wanted Jimi Hendrix I would have created the guitar. Stick to the bass parts."
And the man heard the voice of God, and he knew not to mess with it. But now he had upon him a passion for playing fast and high. The man took the frets off of the bass which God had created. And the man did slide his fingers upon the fretless fingerboard and play melodies high upon the neck. And, in his excitement, the man did forget the commandment of the Lord, and he played a frenzy of high melodies and blindingly fast licks. And the heavens rocked with the assault and the earth shook, rattled, and rolled.
Now God's wrath was great. And His voice was thunder as He spoke to the man.
And He said, "O.K. for you, pal. You have not heeded My word. Lo, I shall create a soprano saxophone and it shall play higher than you can even think of."
"And from out of the chaos I shall bring forth the drums. And they shall play so many notes thine head shall ache, and I shall make you to always stand next to the drummer."
"You think you're loud? I shall create a stack of Marshall guitar amps to make thine ears bleed. And I shall send down upon the earth other instruments, and lo, they shall all be able to play higher and faster than the bass."
"And for all the days of man, your curse shall be this; that all the other musicians shall look to you, the bass player, for the low notes. And if you play too high or fast all the other musicians shall say "Wow" but really they shall hate it. And they shall tell you you're ready for your solo career, and find other bass players for their bands. And for all your days if you want to play your fancy licks you shall have to sneak them in like a thief in the night."
"And if you finally do get to play a solo, everyone shall leave the bandstand and go to the bar for a drink."
Yea, and it was so.
Q: What's the definition of perfect pitch?
A: When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
::D:
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician."
She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
A funny for real musicians. ::D:
A 'C', an 'E-flat', and a 'G' go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the 'E-flat' leaves, and the 'C' and the 'G' have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished: the 'G' is out flat. An 'F' comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.
A 'D' comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." An 'A' comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of 'C' is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a 'B-flat' hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
A two fer!
A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
The 1st week the father asked him what he had learned
The son said "On my 1st lesson we learned about the E string"
The 2nd week came and after the lesson the father asked what had he learned that week
The son said "On my 2nd lesson I learned about the A string"
3rd week came by and the father said to his son "You know these are expensive lessons what have you learned this week"
The son said "I quit the lessons I already got a gig"
Q: How many vocalists does it take to screw in a bulb?
A: None. They hold the bulb over their head and the world revolves around them.
Q: What's the difference between a dog and a violinist?
A: A dog knows when to quit scratching.
Two musicians are driving down a road. All of a sudden they notice the Grim Reaper in the back seat.
Death informs them that they had an accident and they both died. But, before he must take them off into eternity, he grants each musician with one last request to remind them of their past life on earth.
The first musician says he was a Country & Western musician and would like to hear eight choruses of Achy-Breaky Heart as a last hoorah!
The second musician says "I was a jazz musician...kill me now!"
Q: How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 13 - one to do it, and twelve to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
Q: Why don't they know where Mozart is buried?
A: Because he's Haydn!
Q: What's musical and handy in a supermarket?
A: A Chopin Liszt.
Q: What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins?
A: A pair of Re-bachs.
::D:
:'(
Andy Griffith sings TV Show Theme Song (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6PVUit1-0Ck)
The Fishin' Hole
Well, now, take down your fishin' pole and meet me at The Fishin' Hole,
We may not get a bite all day, but don't you rush away.
What a great place to rest your bones and mighty fine for skippin' stones,
You'll feel fresh as a lemonade, a-settin' in the shade.
Whether it's hot, whether it's cool, oh what a spot for whistlin' like a fool.
What a fine day to take a stroll and wander by The Fishin' Hole,
I can't think of a better way to pass the time o' day.
We'll have no need to call the roll when we get to The Fishin' Hole,
There'll be you, me, and Old Dog Trey, to doodle time away.
If we don't hook a perch or bass, we'll cool our toes in dewy grass,
Or else pull up a weed to chaw, and maybe set and jaw.
Hangin' around, takin' our ease, watchin' that hound a-scratchin' at his fleas.
Come on, take down your fishin' pole and meet me at The Fishin' Hole,
I can't think of a better way to pass the time o' day.
Music by Earle Hagen & Herbert W. Spencer
Words by Everett Sloane
Big & Rich - Save A Horse, Ride A Cowboy (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qt0_oPPK6eA)
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease."
::D:
What's the difference between a musician and a Mutual Fund?
One will eventually mature and make some money.
::D:
A mindreader is at a nightclub one night and decides to give a small demonstration of her abilities.
First, she reads the mind of the lead guitarist: "Wow, look at all the cute chicks who showed up tonight! Good crowd!"
Then the drummer: "Lots of people showed up tonight...Great! we're going to make good money tonight"
Then the Keyboard player: "All three of these guys have no appreciation of my talent...What a bunch of losers"
Finally, the Bass player: "C...G...C...G..."
::D:
Equal opportunity offender.
Q. How do you get a guitarist to turn down?
A. Put some music in front of him.
Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: Only one - but the guitarist has to show him first.
A2: Six: One to change it, five to fight off the lead guitarists
who are hogging the light.
Here's one for bass players (60's era)
Missionary and guide walking through jungle hear drums playing.
Missionary says "I wish the drums would stop."
Guide says "No want drums to stop!".
Days go by with no let up in the drums and missionary is going insane. "Please make the drums stop!" he screams.
Guide replies "No want drums to stop."
The missionary asks "For God's sake why not?".
The guide replies "After drums, bass solo!"
::D:
***** WARNING: THE FOLLOWING JOKE, ALTHOUGH IT DOES RELATE TO *****
MUSIC, IS EXTREMELY "POLITICALLY INCORRECT," NOT TO
MENTION GENDER-INSENSITIVE. IF SUCH JOKES OFFEND YOU,
PLEASE MOVE ON TO THE NEXT MESSAGE NOW!
::D:
Q: What do you call a bunch of lesbians with guns?
A: Militia Etheridge.
Jesus in a Bar
The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.
The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slow. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too.
The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.
Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability!"
::D:
Q: What do a drummer and a condom have in common?
A: It's safer to have one around, but it feels better without one!
SNARE DRUM/TRAP SET: This weapon affects only a very small demographic: teenage girls and the fathers of these girls with steady jobs and liquid bank accounts. The snare drummer and the jazz/rock variety of set player act almost like a computer worm. The drummer will attach himself to an unsuspecting teenage girl and milk her and her father's finances in such a way as to not be noticed by the father until it is too late. Drummers are the leaches of the music world and can only be countered by being forced to get a real day job. This will reduce the drummer's "coolness" factor and the daughter will immediately lose interest.
What's the difference between a guitar player and a bag of garbage ?
The garbage gets taken out at least once a week.
Why bury guitar players 6 feet under?
Because deep down they're all very nice people..
Whats the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish??
You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish ..
Proposed Country-Western song titles:
"I Wouldn't Take You to a Dog Fight Even If I Thought You Could Win"
"My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart"
"Tennis Must Be Your Racket, 'Cause Love Means Nothin' to You"
"I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies and I'm Blue All the Time"
"I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well"
"I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better"
"Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure"
"I Wish I Were in Dixie Tonight, But She's Out of Town"
"You May Put Me In Prison, But You Can't Keep My Face From Breakin' Out"
"I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life"
How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughn tune ?
Evidently all of them.
::p:
Seems that the censors (they know who they are) banned the airing of an instructional show on PBS that purported to introduce young people to the worlds of jazz and classical music.
Their reasoning? Too much Sax and Violins.
Q: How many guitar players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 5 - one to hold it in place and 4 to drink beer until the room spins
Q - Have you heard about the new radio station called WPMS?
A - They play three weeks of blues and one week of ragtime.
::D:
An old man was on his death bed and called his whole family together so that he could bid them farewell and make his peace with the world.
After he said what he wanted to each in turn and he knew he was coming very close to death he called for all to gather together.
"I have one thing I would like to confess before I go," he said.
They all drew closer.
"It was me," cough, wheeze, "I was the one," he said as they leaned down as close as they could to hear what he could barely get out in a whisper.
Gasp, cough, "I was the one," cough, wheeze, "in the kitchen with Dinah..."
Funny! (Warning - explicit language and animal violence!)
The Crazy Nastyass Honey Badger (original narration by Randall) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4r7wHMg5Yjg)
The Simpsons Christmas Message (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VXVLP2FY7_w)
:'(
For all the victims of all the mass shootings. Sleep now in peace.
Johann Sebastian Bach-Air on G String (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GMkmQlfOJDk)
:'(
Judy Garland - Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5g4lY8Y3eoo)
"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.
"You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son drum lessons last winter."
"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"
And now for a little musical chauvanism. :biggrin:
Jimmy Thackery... Cool Guitars (Sell The Bitch's Car) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OhdNPCDmoCg)
(http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/421647_397641513662912_1428527260_n.jpg)
Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: Only one - but the guitarist has to show him first.
A2: Six: One to change it, five to fight off the lead guitarists
who are hogging the light.
You're the Reason Our Kids are Ugly - Lorretta Lynn & Conway Twitty (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iFq6eZBS1iM)
Tom Fogerty has died. He wakes up and finds himself on a stage on which a number of instruments are set up.
A door offstage opens and in walk Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Brian Jones, John Lennon, Otis Redding, and Buddy Holly. Each musician picks up his favorite instrument and begins tuning up.
All of the instruments are taken but, to Tom's immense pleasure, the drums. He walks up to Jimi and says, "Man, so this is what heaven is like."
Jimi looks at him and says, "Heaven? You think this is heaven?"
At that moment, Karen Carpenter walks in, takes her seat behind the drums, and calls out, "Okay guys, 'Close to You'. One, two, three, four..."
Late one day a local pub saw six guys walk in, obviously in pairs of two, sit down and order their favorite after-work drinks.
The first two to seat themselves and be served by the bartender were two guys working at a major university whose I.Q.s were so high they could hardly be measured! They began discussing from Quantum Mechanics to the fine points of Particle Physics, either one as brilliantly as the other.
The bartender then went over to the next pair who were "regular guys" with ordinary jobs, with average I.Q.s, schmoozing about how hard it was today to keep up with bill payments, how high taxes were, how corrupt politicians were and all the day-to-day struggles most everyone has.
The last two the bartender served were two very badly educated, ill-mannered dolts with very low I.Q.s that could barely be measured on any I.Q. test. As soon as they'd ordered the bartender overheard one say to the other, "Oh, hey, I meant to ask ya, d'you use flatwound or roundwound on your bass?"
:biggrin:
~Saint Peter is checking in new arrivals in heaven....~
"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a surgeon. I helped the lame to walk."
"Well, go right on in through the Pearly Gates"
"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a school teacher. I taught the blind to see."
"Fine .. go right on in through the Pearly Gates!"
"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a musician. I helped make sad people happy."
"You can load in through the kitchen."
:biggrin:
At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to banjo players for our experiments?"
"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"
"Well, for three reasons. First we found that banjo players are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do. However, sometimes it is very hard to extrapolate our test results to real human beings."
:biggrin:
~Why guitars are better than women ~
You can share your Guitar with your friends.
Guitars don't care how many other Guitars you've played
Guitars don't care if you look at other Guitars.
Guitars don't care if you buy Guitar magazines.
Your Guitar doesn't care if you never listen to it.
Your Guitar won't care if you leave up the toilet seat.
Your parents won't remain in touch with your old Guitar after you dump it.
Guitars don't insult you if you're a bad player.
Your Guitar never wants a night out with the other Guitars.
You can play your Guitar the first time you meet it, without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.
I'm an equal opportunity joke teller! :biggrin:
~Why Guitars are better than Men: ~
Guitars don't snore.
Guitars never wake you up in the middle of the night, for any reason.
Guitars never try to show you off to their friends.
Guitars don't come home drunk after a night out with the other Guitars.
You don't have to praise a Guitar after playing it.
Guitars don't have to prove anything.
Guitars don't try to change you once you've bought them.
Second-hand Guitars don't go to see previous owners when you're out of town.
Guitars don't have egos.
You don't have to continually assure your Guitar that its string length is just right.
Your Guitar will never earn more than you do for the same job just because it's a Guitar.
Your Guitar never spends a "night out with the Guitars" and comes home with a strange rash
on its fretboard.
(http://lostinthecloud.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/faeries-aire.gif?w=479)
:rotfl:
The most valuable function performed by a Wagnerian opera is its ability to drown out a rock concert.
:biggrin:
Good one Libby! :biggrin:
Q: What do you get if Bach falls off a horse, but has the courage to get on again and continue riding?
.......
.......
..... wait for it .....
.......
A: Bach in the saddle again.
:biggrin:
"Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding, he sings."
:biggrin:
Q: How are a banjo player and a blind javelin thrower alike?
A: Both command immediate attention and alarm, and force everyone to move out of range.
:biggrin:
Any last requests?
A cowboy and a biker are on death row, and are to be executed on the same day. The day comes, and they are brought to the gas chamber.
The warden asks the cowboy if he has a last request, to which the cowboy replies, "Ah shore do, wardn. Ah'd be mighty grateful if'n yoo'd play 'Achy Breaky Heart' fur me bahfore ah hafta go."
"Sure enough, cowboy, we can do that," says the warden.
He turns to the biker, "And you, biker, what's your last request?"
"That you kill me first."
Andy Gullahorn sings "Workin' Man" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Itz6cGctwtE)
:biggrin:
Q: How do you get a drummer to keep good time?
A: Buy him a watch.
Q: How do you know when there's a guitar player at your front door?
A: The knocking just keeps getting louder and faster.
Q: How do you know when there's a "chick singer" at your front door?
A: No matter what you do, she always comes in at the wrong time.
Q: What's the difference between a trombone and a lawnmower?
A: It's easier to find work in the summer with a lawnmower.
Q: How do you know when the drum riser is level?
A: The drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.
Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None...Alesis makes a machine that's more reliable.
Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five: One to screw it in, and four to bitch 'cause it's electric.
Q: How many guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five: One to screw it in, and four to bitch 'cause they didn't get to
solo first.
Q: How many Deadheads does it take to put in a light bulb?
A: 10,001. 1 to replace the bulb, and 10,000 to follow the burnt-out
one around.
Q: What do a drummer and a condom have in common?
A: It's safer to have one around, but it feels better without one!
Badda bing! :biggrin:
Dead Again
A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket....
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
:biggrin:
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the light bulb has to want to change.
What did the proton say to the ever-grumpy electron?
"Why do you have to be so negative all the time?"
Two atoms are walking down the street.
One atom says to the other: "Hey! I think I lost an electron!"
The other says: "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm positive!"
The masochist said to the sadist "hit me" and the sadist said "no".
Schroedinger's cat walks into a bar.
And it doesn't.
What is the longest song in the world?
Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.
Descartes walks into a bar. "Beer?" asks the barman.
"I think not" replies Rene, who disappears.
A Higgs boson walks into a church.
The priest says, "Get out, you blasphemer.
How dare you call yourself the 'God particle'?"
The Higgs boson replies: "But I make up the mass."
AND...
How many Microsoft designers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None – they just define darkness as "industry standard".
Ba-dump!
:biggrin:
Clearly Cheating
A man cheats on his girlfriend named Lorraine with a girl named Clearly.
Suddenly, Lorraine died.
At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."
:biggrin:
Cinderella Has A Camera?
What did Cinderella say when she left the photo store?
Someday my prints will come...
:biggrin:
Jesus and Satan are having a conversation...
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.
Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on and each of them restarted their computers.
Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate.
"Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?"
God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."
:biggrin:
Don't Believe in Hell?
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
:biggrin:
Baseball Bribe
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet.
One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.
"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.
"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies. "TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness", the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Don't you start that shit in here," the priest says.
:rotfl:
Annoying Boy on Bus
A little kid gets on a city bus, sits right behind the driver, and starts talking loudly, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow, I'd be a little bull."
The driver gets annoyed as the kids continues to yammer on. "If my dad was an rooster and my mom a hen, I would be a little chick."
The kid goes on and on with all the animals he knows, when finally, the bus driver yells, "What if your dad was a bum and your mom was a drunk?"
The kid smiles and says, "I'd be a bus driver."
:biggrin:
Ending It All
A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.
Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple.
The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.
:biggrin:
The Answer
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken takes out a cigarette and begins to smoke. The egg, pissed off, takes one look at the chicken, rolls over and pulls the blanket over him and says, "I guess we answered that question!"
:biggrin:
Drivers Education Exam Answers
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick-up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your steering wheel.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Badda-boom!
:biggrin:
Little Johnny... Definite Definition
The preschool teacher says, "We're going to do vocabulary today. Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"
Mary raises her hand and exclaims, "Me me me!"
The teacher says, "Go ahead, what's the sentence?
Mary replies, "The sky is definitely blue."
"That's good, Mary," says the teacher, "but the sky can also be gray or white."
Sam raises his hand and states, "Grass is definitely green."
The teacher says, "That's good, Sam, but grass can be brown, too."
Little Johnny raises his hand and asks, "Do farts have lumps in them?"
The teacher says, "No Johnny, why do you ask that?"
Little Johnny replies, "Well, then I definitely sh*t my pants."
Badda-Bing!
:biggrin:
Devil in the Church
One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.
Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
:laugh:
Alien Abduction
Harry, Bill and Steve are sitting at the corner bar, when Ted walks in looking distressed.
"Ted, you look awful. What's wrong?" Harry asks.
Ted says, "Last night I got really drunk and I was abducted by an alien."
Everyone is shocked. Bill asks, "What did the alien do to you?"
"All I remember is being anally probed," Ted says.
Everyone is horrified. "I heard that they'll do that!" Steve says. "What did the alien look like?"
Ted responds, "Carl."
:eek:
A Lesson in Government
A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''
''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.
''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.
''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed.
In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper.
So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help.
When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep.
Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there.
So he went to the maid's room.
When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid.
Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government!
The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!''
Bathtub Anxieties
There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy.
"Can I touch it?"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"No way -- you already broke yours off!"
:biggrin:
In-law vs Outlaw
What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?
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Outlaws are wanted.
Bada-Bing! Bada-Boom!
:biggrin:
Ashes To Ashes
This guy dies and his wife gets him cremated. She takes the ashes home and lays them out on the table and starts talking to them.
"You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know the new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money."
Then she whispers, "You know that blowjob I promised you? Well, here it comes..."
:biggrin:
Beautiful?
A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.
A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!".
Well, the wife was dissappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was "cute."
She asked, "What happened to 'beautiful'?"
His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"
:biggrin:
Close Enough For Government
Three young boys were fighting over whose dad was the best:
"My dad is so good he can shoot an arrow, run after it, get in front of it, and catch it in his bare hands."
"My dad is so good that he can shoot a gun, run after the bullet, get in front of it and catch it in his bare hands."
"I've got you both beat. My dad's so good because he works for the city. He gets off work at 5:00 and is home by 4:30."
:biggrin:
Bill Gates in Hell
Bill Gates goes to purgatory.
St. Peter says, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".
First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds.
Bill chooses Hell.
About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons.
Bill says to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?"
St. Peter replies, "That was just the screen saver."
:icon_twisted:
Lottery
A wife comes in and yells, ''Honey, pack your clothes! I just won the lottery!''
Her husband yells back, ''Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?''
The wife replies, ''I don't care! Just get the hell out!''
:biggrin:
Programming %#$*@#!!
Q: What is the first programming language you learn when studying computer science?
A: Profanity
:biggrin:
Christian Drugs
Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did.
Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple: "Who is it?" "It's Mark" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Mark?" "Marijuana from Colombia" "Very well son, come in."
Another soft knock is heard. "Who is it?" "It's Matthew" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew?" "Cocaine from Bolivia" "Very well son, come in."
At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?" "It's John" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring John?" "Crack from New York" "Very well son, come in."
Someone starts pounding on the door. "Who is it?" "It's Judas" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Judas?" "FREEZE! THIS IS THE FBI!"
:biggrin:
Christmas Cop
On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback sits at a traffic light next to a kid on a shiny new bike.
The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid says, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year, tell Santa to put a tail light on that bike."
The cop then issues the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the d**k underneath the horse, instead of on top."
:biggrin:
Y'all must be crazy!
Just kidding Ra, good morning.
I do believe it's raining out there.