Retirees

[Terry]

When a human cannonball retires, it's hard to find another one of his caliber.
The only thing worse than growing old is being denied the privilege.

# What we don't lose on the stock market, we spend @ the supermarket #

In life, the whence is not as important as the whither.

"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."

[Terry]

 
 
YOU WILL LOVE THIS...






An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship
holding her hat tightly
so that it would not blow away in the wind.


A gentleman approached her and said ,
"Pardon me , madam.
I do not intend to be forward
but did you know that your dress
is blowing up in this high wind?"


"Yes , I know , " said the lady.
"I need both my hands
to hold onto this hat."


"But madam , you must know that you are
not wearing any panties
and your privates are exposed!"
said the gentleman in earnest.


The woman looked down ,
then back up at the man
and replied ,
"Sir , anything you see down there
is 85 years old.
I just bought this hat yesterday!"
 
That lady has the right attitude!

[Terry]

[Terry]

[Terry]

 ::) 
My retirement home:



... a Frank Lloyd Wright creation,'my' favorite architect.
'i' copyed some of his ideas in my present home

[Olderhousecat]

Nice! One should be able to relax and take one's ease there (unless, of course, one is still paying for it) :smile:

[Terry]

" nothns perfect !" ...  just enjoy life cause the bills will always keep comn?

[Terry]

A long-time retired, elderly couple were married for over sixty years. Although the man and women were not poor, they were far from being rich. They managed to get comfortably by skimping and watching their pennies.

The elderly man and women were both in excellent health for their age, mainly because of the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise since their sixties.

As fate would have it, the couples excellent health didn't help a bit when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed.

Being the good, honest couple, they wound up in Heaven.

When the man and woman reached the pearly gates, they got a welcome from St. Peter who escorted them inside Paradise. First, St. Peter took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.

A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. The couple gasped in astonishment while St. Peter said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."

The old man asked how much money all this luxury was going to cost.

"How much? Of course, nothing," replied St. Peter. 'You have earned this by being good during your lives and this is your reward: Heaven with all its blessings and luxuries."'

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

"I love golf but how much for the greens fee?" asked the old man. "I couldn't afford to play much more than twice a year on Earth."

"Remember, this is Heaven," emphasized St. Peter. "Play as much as you want and every time you golf you get it for free — always on the house, in other words."

Soon they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood, lamb chops, steaks, exotic deserts, free flowing beverages and all the over 200 varieties of wine.

"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy"

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" the old man queried.

"This will amaze you, more than the fact everything is free," stated St. Peter with a smile on his face. "You can eat as much food and drink wine as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat, sick, or really drunk. This is Heaven!'

The old man was still not totally satisfied, "No gym to work out at?"

Not unless you actually want to exercise for the fun of it,' was the answer.

"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or all the other tests my wife has asked me to do over the last twenty years or so."

"Never again," said St. Peter. "All you do here is enjoy yourself."

At this point, the elderly man glared at his wife and uttered, "You and your *!+#%! bran muffins and all the other healthy stuff. We could have been here fifteen years ago!"

[Terry]

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop to replace an old rooster who was pretty much in retirement. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire for good. You should have been in retirement a long time ago."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle all of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens and three or four young hens? This will save you from having to enter retirement before your time."

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over. Full retirement will do you good."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.

The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and — BOOM! ! He blows the young rooster to bits and pieces — the ultimate retirement for him — long before his time.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit — third gay rooster I bought this month."

The moral of this story is straightforward! Don't mess with the older, retired individuals of this world. Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery always overcome youth and arrogance!

[Terry]

[Terry]

["NOTHING 'sometimes don't get done 'N' a day or 2!/i]

"U" NO!

[Terry]

                                                               RETIREMENT

                                                                                                           
No one said it would be easy
but 'i' didn't know what they meant
since 'i'm not a person to be lazy
'i' thought it'd be easy to find things to supplement

To my surprise for the next 2 years
'i' found myself feeling guilty & blue
until 'i' figured out 'nothing' was something to do
now there's no more tears or fears

It's a great life, it should have been smoother
but there wasn't enough money to even think about
so it came later instead of sooner
but now that it's here 'i'll give a big SHOUT!

Retirement is great, but it does take clout
'i'm enjoying myself 'as long as' the money holds out
when it's gone; "WHAT WILL 'i' DO!"?
Is it OK if 'i' come live with "U"?

[Terry]

The older you are and the longer you have been married, the funnier this is. 

 

 

The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.

I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff."

"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.

"I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other asshole using my stuff."

She looked at me and said: What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?

[Terry]

Funny Retirement Jokes with Grandpa
We May Be Over the Hill
but We're Darn Well Not Under It



Another year gone by and it's obvious we'll never change. But why should we? We're perfect just the way we are.



Happy Surfing! by Pop Pa - that's what 'i' called my grandfather & that's what my grandkids call me.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE OVER THE HILL WHEN.....
1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.


2. You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.


3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.

4. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.


5. Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.


6. You say something to your kids that your mother said to you, and you always hated it.


7. All you want for your birthday is not to be reminded of your age.


8. You step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.


9. Your idea of weightlifting is standing up.


10. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.


11. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.


12. Getting "lucky" means you remember where you left your car in the parking lot.


13. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.


14. It takes twice as long to look half as good.


15. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt -- doesn't work.


16. You sink your teeth into a steak -- and they stay there.


17. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.


18. You have more hair in your ears and nose
than on your head.



Funny Retirement Wisdom
Things That Took Me 50 Years To Learn
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Sign in a department store: Wonderful bargain in shirts for men with sixteen and seventeen necks.

Consciousness:
that annoying time between naps.

If you haven't developed ulcers,
you're not carrying your share of the load.




The Worst Things Ever Said About Me!
He's such a poor driver the police gave him a season ticket.

The only reason so many people attended his funeral was they wanted to make sure he was dead.
that's why 'i'm getting cremated & only my immediate family & 'me' will be there when my 2 kids spread my ashes over & in the lake. 'i' wan'ta keep everybody else guessing?  ::O:  ::D:
"He took an IQ test and the results were negative."

It is well known that the older he grows, the faster he could run as a boy.
- Red Smith

"He stopped to think, and forgot to start again."

[Olderhousecat]

Not retired yet but I enjoy reading this anyway.