Random Comments

[Da Wham]

Q: How do you get a drummer to keep good time?

A: Buy him a watch.



Q: How do you know when there's a guitar player at your front door?

A: The knocking just keeps getting louder and faster.



Q: How do you know when there's a "chick singer" at your front door?

A: No matter what you do, she always comes in at the wrong time.



Q: What's the difference between a trombone and a lawnmower?

A: It's easier to find work in the summer with a lawnmower.



Q: How do you know when the drum riser is level?

A: The drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.



Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None...Alesis makes a machine that's more reliable.



Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Five: One to screw it in, and four to bitch 'cause it's electric.



Q: How many guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Five: One to screw it in, and four to bitch 'cause they didn't get to
solo first.



Q: How many Deadheads does it take to put in a light bulb?

A: 10,001. 1 to replace the bulb, and 10,000 to follow the burnt-out
one around.



Q: What do a drummer and a condom have in common?

A: It's safer to have one around, but it feels better without one!



Badda bing!   :biggrin:

[Da Wham]

Dead Again


A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket....








As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"


:biggrin:

[Da Wham]

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the light bulb has to want to change.

What did the proton say to the ever-grumpy electron?
"Why do you have to be so negative all the time?"

Two atoms are walking down the street.
One atom says to the other: "Hey! I think I lost an electron!"
The other says: "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm positive!"

The masochist said to the sadist "hit me" and the sadist said "no".

Schroedinger's cat walks into a bar.
And it doesn't.

What is the longest song in the world?
Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.

Descartes walks into a bar. "Beer?" asks the barman.
"I think not" replies Rene, who disappears.

A Higgs boson walks into a church.
The priest says, "Get out, you blasphemer.
How dare you call yourself the 'God particle'?"
The Higgs boson replies: "But I make up the mass."

AND...

How many Microsoft designers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None – they just define darkness as "industry standard".

Ba-dump!

:biggrin:

[Da Wham]

Clearly Cheating


A man cheats on his girlfriend named Lorraine with a girl named Clearly.

Suddenly, Lorraine died.






At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."


:biggrin:

[Da Wham]

Cinderella Has A Camera?

What did Cinderella say when she left the photo store?










Someday my prints will come...

:biggrin:

[Da Wham]

Jesus and Satan are having a conversation...


Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate.

"Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?"










God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

:biggrin:

[Da Wham]

Don't Believe in Hell?


A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

:biggrin:

[Da Wham]

Baseball Bribe


A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet.

One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Yes it is," the man replies.

"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.

"No thanks," the man replies.

"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.

"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.

"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies. "TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.

"Yes it is," replies the man.

"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.

"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.

"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."

"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.

"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.

"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness", the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Don't you start that shit in here," the priest says.



:rotfl:

[Da Wham]

Annoying Boy on Bus


A little kid gets on a city bus, sits right behind the driver, and starts talking loudly, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow, I'd be a little bull."

The driver gets annoyed as the kids continues to yammer on. "If my dad was an rooster and my mom a hen, I would be a little chick."

The kid goes on and on with all the animals he knows, when finally, the bus driver yells, "What if your dad was a bum and your mom was a drunk?"

The kid smiles and says, "I'd be a bus driver."


:biggrin:

[Da Wham]

Ending It All


A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.

Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple.

The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.

:biggrin:

[Da Wham]

The Answer

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken takes out a cigarette and begins to smoke. The egg, pissed off, takes one look at the chicken, rolls over and pulls the blanket over him and says, "I guess we answered that question!"


:biggrin:

[Da Wham]

Drivers Education Exam Answers


Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick-up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your steering wheel.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Badda-boom!

:biggrin:

[Da Wham]

Little Johnny... Definite Definition


The preschool teacher says, "We're going to do vocabulary today. Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"

Mary raises her hand and exclaims, "Me me me!"

The teacher says, "Go ahead, what's the sentence?

Mary replies, "The sky is definitely blue."

"That's good, Mary," says the teacher, "but the sky can also be gray or white."

Sam raises his hand and states, "Grass is definitely green."

The teacher says, "That's good, Sam, but grass can be brown, too."

Little Johnny raises his hand and asks, "Do farts have lumps in them?"

The teacher says, "No Johnny, why do you ask that?"

Little Johnny replies, "Well, then I definitely sh*t my pants."


Badda-Bing!


:biggrin:

[Da Wham]

Devil in the Church


One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.

Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

[Da Wham]

Alien Abduction


Harry, Bill and Steve are sitting at the corner bar, when Ted walks in looking distressed.

"Ted, you look awful. What's wrong?" Harry asks.

Ted says, "Last night I got really drunk and I was abducted by an alien."

Everyone is shocked. Bill asks, "What did the alien do to you?"

"All I remember is being anally probed," Ted says.

Everyone is horrified. "I heard that they'll do that!" Steve says. "What did the alien look like?"

Ted responds, "Carl."


:eek: